Wednesday, November 28, 2012

bluch.

PCOS has been life changing.
life.changing.
as if the disgusting medicine with the nasty side effects wasnt enough, or the issue of gaining weight and serious efforts to maintain a weight, or my hair falling off in clumps - every.day i am trying to change my diet.

i was madly craving an egg and cheese bagel today. whats in my house? wheat. wheat spaghetti noodles, wheat english muffins, wheat flour, wheat organic ezekial bread and, you guessed it: wheat bagels.

craving crushed. taste buds dissatisfied.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

mind baffling.

when you walk into the doctors office and they make you pee in a cup for a pregnancy test - even though youre currently bonding with AF.
it boggles my mind.
why do they do that?

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Usual



Today requires another trip to CVS. Time to refill my progesterone.

$588 later...

I'm home and ready to shoot shit in my vagina for the next 20 days.

Did you catch that? $588 for 20 days of medicine.



shitfuckpissballs.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Shopping Addictions.

I am a lover of all things new and I love a good sale.


Leopard Tunic
{the loft}

3/4 Button Up in Black
{NY&Co.}

Dalmation Crop Pants
{the loft}

Leopard Dress Tunic
{the loft}

Poncho Sweater
{the loft}

Faux Fur Vest
{express}



Laraway Black Boots - FINALLY!
{aldo}


Happy Shopping :)


I didn't get the very first listed above from the loft, but i got one very similar at Cotton On. It wasn't on their website, so i found one similar. I also got some shirts from Francesca's but their website isn't very full either. Now i'm just waiting for my new Warby Parker's to arrive in the mail! Success.


Friday, November 9, 2012

Friday's Letters.

Linking up with the lovely Ashley for Friday's Letters!



Photobucket


Dear Friday, I am so happy you are here! Dear Phone, why did you break? I am dying without you. Dear Husband, I hate that you are so busy. But thank you for working so hard. I love you for that. Dear Weekend, What do you have in store for me?! Dear Thanksgiving, I cant believe you around the corner! We must find out what is going on. Our My family is a dysfunction mess. Dear Girlfriends, i miss you. Dear Baby, get in my belly already! Dear Blog, i must figure out how to make you prettier. Learning HTML is hard work. 

Quality Time.

I thoroughly enjoy weekends.

You might think that because i'm a SAHW, the weekend is like the weekday. Whats new? There really isnt a whole lot, except the fact that my husband is home.

I thoroughly enjoy spending time with my husband. I hold our time together near and dear to my heart.

Quality time -- thats my love language. Husband & i read that book before we were even engaged. I think thats pretty awesome; the book and reading it before an engagement. Dedication right there. & my oh my did it teach us a lot of things about each other. I'm grateful for that.

I also appreciate the time i get to spend with others.

I kicked this weekend off to a lunch out with B. {yes, the same B that introduced me to my husband - but you already know that because you already read the story about how we met... right?}

Some of my best life memories are living with that girl, partying with that girl, snuggling up in bed & having deep conversations about things that mattered more than boys.

I even treated myself to a Dr.Pepper. Not just any Dr.Pepper - it was the type that you want to keep drinking and drinking or preserve so you can open it again later for that exact same taste. Not too much carbonation, not watered down. It was just right.

It's the little things <3

No baby brain ruining my mood this weekend.

Meltdowns.

So far, this cycle has shown us two BFNs. I first tested on 9 or 10dpo and again the day after. I wasnt going to test, but then i kept reading that since we went with injections this route, that the hcg chemical from the shots could give false positives and stay in your system. Since ive gotten negatives, i at least know its out of my system and if for some miracle made by God it turns positive, it wont be false.

Yesterday was a rough day. And sometimes Isaiah thinks that this is all rainbows and unicorns, but its surely not. Not for me or my body. And it shouldnt be for him either with all of these mood swings ive got going on. Isaiah is much better at staying positive and optimistic than i am, and he turns everything into prayer. Thats his answer for every frustration or sad day. But sometimes i just need a sad day and i dont need to be told to pray over it again. HI. I DO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY. EVERY MORNING. EVERY NIGHT. every chance of boredom and frustration. I also get quiet in my thoughts, often. Isaiah feels the need to discuss it but i rather not. Because i dont want to hear his stupid optimistic thoughts all the time. If im upset, just be upset with me damnit! That word called Empathy. If im quiet, just let me be quiet. I am putting four different hormones into my body. three times a day. 

Chaos.

Yesterdays melt down happened on the way to dinner with some friends, and it continued in to the restaurant while we were waiting for them until the very moment we saw them coming in. It wasnt one of those meltdowns because there was another person pregnant, another facebook announcement, another child. It was a meltdown simply for the sole fact that im not pregnant.

These cycles are draining. Isaiah asked if i feel like its my fault. I dont. I'm doing everything i can to get pregnant. Its just not fair. {I know, I know - life isnt fair.} 9% of women battle infertility, and i'm one of them.

We're now 4-6 days away from AF showing her face. & God, i pray she shows. Because the whole no baby AND no period thing, is for the fucking birds. False hope, i'm over it.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

History.



Four years ago {11.4.08} - i remember everything about the day i voted. that included celebrations in our dorms listening to "my president is black, my lambos blue..."
I was in college - and our night class was cancelled to make sure everything had the chance to voice their opinion and have their chance to vote. I voted in the middle of the afternoon. It was sunny, there were leaves blowing across the street & i voted with my roommate/best friend Stephanie.

Today, i voted again. With my husband. We woke up early, and went out in the rain, hand in hand. We also didnt have to stand in a long line this time. Today is another day i'll never forget.

I also voted no, {twice}. 

This could be a big day for the LGBT community here in MN, and i hope all of the worlds best for them. 

Love is love.

{& i love Obama.}

Go Vote Today!

Monday, November 5, 2012

My Battle.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

PCOS ; TTC
trying to lose maintain my weight ; trying to get pregnant

These are my battles.

  • never being hungry, but trying to snack often in hopes of speeding up my metabolism. but making sure i eat enough, so my medicines dont make me sick and nauseous. 
  • making sure i jog with my dogs, even though lambeau hates it as much as i do. & now that its cold, trying to go on 20 minute walks through out the day. but freezing & dreading every moment. wondering why we dont live in a warmer place.
  • making sure i take my 6-8 pills a day.
  • making sure i shoot shit in my vagina 6 times a day.
  • doing more laundry, because im leaking in all of my panties.
  • leaving people at get togethers every 5 minutes and cutting conversations short, because i think im pissing my pants and MUST get to the bathroom. oh, nope. thats just my progesterone. FROM FIVE HOURS AGO. fuck.
  • injecting myself in the tummy
  • injecting myself in the ass
  • taking time out of the day to massage my own ass or lay with a heating pad - in hopes to prevent bruises and lumps. yup. shit turns purple AND gets lumpy.  hurts like hell too.
  • charting my temperature every morning. at the same time. as long as i didnt wake up to go potty or move around within the last 3 hours. because that fucks the whole shit up.
  • charting the position of my cervix
  • charting the consistency and feeling of my cervical mucus.
  • writing down when AF comes, when she leaves.
  • knowing the days we BD
  • driving to the fertility clinic 3-5 times a week for ultrasounds and blood work. sometimes twice in a day.
  • checking all of the labels at the grocery store - making our usual 1 hour trip to target turning in to a 2 hour trip to target.
  • going to target less and trader joes more often. because i have to should be eating Ezekial bread. and its god awful. i swear it takes me about an hour to eat one slice. barf.
  • 25g of sugar a day. (this became real when i was in the airport, thirsty & head to one of those small little stores.. i see a minute maid fruit punch, {juice right?}, check the labels and see 71 {or 74?} grams of sugar.) SERIOUS? got.damn.
  • wheat pasta, wheat bread, whole grain this, whole grain that, wheat flour. my mouth is wondering "wtf" {and i am too}
  • not being able to eat my favorite pasta dish at granite city, because the noodles are white
  • not being able to eat white rice with my orange chicken at leann chin, because that too is white.
  • asking restaurants if they have wheat substitutes as they look at me like uh, scuse?
  • ultra sound after ultra sound. dont eat before. dont pee before. being probed over and over. scoot your butt down, more please. so many fucking rules & instructions.
  • needing to schedule certain procedures on certain cycle days, but not being able to because your doctor is out of town. {oh yeah, thats right. hes helping a million couples get pregnant. not just us}
  • waking up countless times in the middle of the night, not to feed or snuggle my baby - but to wipe. because again, i feel like i just pissed the entire bed.
& the worst?
  • is the defeat ; the negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test. hearing "oh, it doesnt look like your follicles are mature enough" or "your body doesnt seem to be responding to the hormones properly" or "it looks like youre out this cycle. do you wish to repeat with the next?" - total. defeat.

I dont need an award because im trying every thing i can do to get pregnant, and i dont need pity. These are becoming my routine things. It's like having a job. If youre a nurse, you have things to do. Things that need to be done. If youre a teacher, the same. A mother? You get the point. But my, this is just not enjoyable. There is no fun. TTC is controlling my life. I feel like thats the troubling point, when really - its PCOS too. 

Meanwhile, i have an incredibly hard working supportive husband who keeps me grounded during this chaos.

I'm not ready to give up. there are 2 more options to be tried in hopes of me carrying my own child - and those will be done. If those fail, then will i move on to other mountains.

But i am choosing for it to be this way. This is my battle. because i so badly want to be a Mom

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Baking Goodies

If you know me, you know that it is no secret that i am a horrible cook.

Part of me blames it on my mom or grandma not teaching me, but then part of me blames myself because i never picked up a cookbook either. {until i got married and was gifted a million during our engagement year}

We were also gifted the famous kitchen aid mixer. ::aaahhh!::

I am terrified to cook a meal, terrified to screw it up to the point where i wouldnt eat it, and my husband might not either. What would it be if it wasnt consumed? A waste. Of food, money and time. It doesnt help that i am the pickiest eater in the world. Almost every recipe i come across has something i hate. Red peppers, mushrooms, broccoli, celery, carrots, fish, something fishy, something spicy... the list goes on. I am THAT picky. le sigh

HOWEVER.
Thanks to that new red gadget in our kitchen, i am learning to bake! The kitchen aid mixer is a life saver. Makes my baking life 10000x easier.

My husband loves sweets. LOVES. He is the sweet tooth, i am the salt tooth. I prefer chips and dips, sausages and cheeses, crackers... he is all about the sweets. Oreos and anything cookie related are his favorite.

So tonight, i baked! I find it soothing. I also really enjoy dishes, so its a win-win :)
{the shitty part = i can only consume about 25g of sugar a day. OOPS.}





Thick and Chewy M&M Cookie Bars

2 1/8 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
12 TBSPs butter (1 1/2 sticks), melted and cooled slightly
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 large egg
1 large egg yolk
2 tsps vanilla extract
1 12oz bag M&M's, divided

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Adjust the oven rack to lower-middle position. Line a 9X13-inch baking pan with foil, letting the excess hang over the edges of the pan by about 1 inch so you can grab those edges and pull the bars from the pan after they have baked. Spray the foil-lined pan with nonstick cooking spray.

2. Mix the flour, salt, and baking soda together in medium bowl; set aside. Whisk the melted butter and sugars in a large bowl until combined. Add the egg, egg yolk, and vanilla and mix well. Using a rubber spatula, fold the dry ingredients into the egg mixture until just combined; do not overmix. Fold in 1 cup of M&M's and turn the batter into the prepared pan, smoothing the top with the spatula. Sprinkle remaining M&M's on top and press in slightly.

3. Bake until the top of the bars is light golden brown, slightly firm to the touch, and edges start pulling away from sides of pan, 26-30 minutes. Cool on a wire rack to room temperature. Remove the bars from the pan by lifting the foil overhang and transfer them to a cutting board. Cut into squares and serve.


What are some of your favorite baking goodies?!
{with the holidays coming, i want to try a lot more!}


Thursday, November 1, 2012

HSG

Truth be told, i was NOT looking forward to this procedure. By any means. It's been a week since i had it, and im still thinking about it. 
I remember having a catheter inserted inside of me in the past for bio feedback therapy, and i can still feel that pain when i think about it. It hurt so bad. Kick my obgyn in the face type bad.
I regularly talk on an online forum with other ladies who are TTC and some of them had given me a heads up mentioning things from their HSG experiences: its so painful, not any pain at all, had sex right after, went shopping at ikea - apparently, it should only hurt if your tubes are blocked.
And i was hoping my tubes were blocked. Not to have a painful experience, but because i am trying to hold on to every bit of hope i can find these days. I was thinking, "the reason i havent been able to get pregnant - is because my tubes are blocked! the sperm has nowhere to go!" fix this and woolah, my problems are solved.
False.
I drove to our fertility clinic Wednesday morning for my CD10 ultrasound - and that was when i had found out my follicles werent mature enough. I am losing count of all the times my ovaries had said "fuck you!" to me, really. So i sat in the parking lot before starting my car, bawling. 
Cue frustration and failure feelings here. 
Once i got myself together, i started bawling again because i had to return in a few hours to the same clinic, to see the same nurse that just told me my ovaries suck at life. 
Some moments, i feel like the nurses all pity me, and other moments i think they just laugh at all of us women who walk through those doors on our quest to get pregnant. Most people just need to open their legs and have sexy time with their man. Wouldn't THAT be nice.
So i drive home, wishing to take a quick nap before returning. That didn't happen, and before i knew it - it was noon. Time to take my 800mg of tylenol and make sure my bladder was full. Then Isaiah was home to pick me up and head back to our clinic for my HSG. 
I walk in to the clinic - and they tell me TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. Uh? Scuse? I was told i need a full bladder for this bad boy. Oh, thats right - you do. So just let out a little bit into this cup. A LITTLE BIT? I HAVE A FULL BLADDER. If you want me to put pee in there, pee is what you will get. So dont bitch if my bladder isnt full enough later on. And i do my best, while peeing on my hands and everywhere else. Then i get an ultrasound. REALLY? I JUST HAD ONE 3 HOURS AGO! Oh we need to make sure you arent pregnant, thats also why you peed in the cup. ARE YOU STUPID? CLEARLY, i'm not pregnant. 
shake.my.DAMN.head.
then the nurse leads isaiah and i to another part of the clinic where we get to wait for another doctor, and our doctor. oh, this is also when they told me that my husband wouldnt be able to come with because there wasnt enough room or robes. im thinking WHAT. room? robes? what on earth? and then i get stressed. i sit on the couch in the waiting room fighting back all tears. isaiah starts to rub my back just as a technician comes to get me. and back we go.
i get in to my two hospital gowns, put my things into a locker and follow him in to another room. in this room there is the nurse, the man that brought me back, and another man. meanwhile im told were waiting for my doctor and the radiologist. 5 people in the room? COOL. thats what they meant when my husband couldnt come in. my doctor arrives, and slips on a huge bullet proof like robe. oh so thats the other reason my husband couldnt come. Dr. C asks the nurse for a head lamp.. really? a head lamp to look at my vagina? this isnt a coal mine here. & im instructed to lay back on the table.
Dr. C starts to explain the procedure, all the while scrubbing up, putting on gloves, asking who the radiologist is this afternoon, and preparing all of his equipment. 
The procedure began like any other time i've had something done, a pap smear, ultrasound or what have you. Dr. C had me scoot down... no, farther, butt to the edge, please.  Yes, just a bit more.  In spite of my freshly shaved legs and bikini area, and meticulous grooming (I'm not the only one who does this before an OB/GYN appointment, right?), its still the most vulnerable position you could imagine.
They had troubles getting the catheter in because my doctor asked the nurse for about 3 or 4 different size gauges and kept checking in on me. I'll forever be thankful for how kind and tentative he was. Laying there i was watching the two monitors next to me, hands pressed on my abdomen to try and relieve the cramping i was feeling. But when it was time for the x ray, i had to move my hands. Damnit. I felt all of the cramping. & they were horrible. ALL of my cramps are horrible. all the time.
On the screen i knew what i was looking for since Dr. C explained it all and was still talking me through every movement, and we had seen all the dye disperse into the screen. 
He mentioned how well it went - the dye went in as it should, my tubes are open. No blockage. And he was off to tell my husband how great i had handled the procedure. Gee, thanks doc!
NO BLOCKAGE.
Dr. C was thrilled. & he must have seen the not-so thrilled look on my face because he went into father mode, started patting my back and telling me its good its good! 
If my tubes aren't blocked, they aren't the problem. And we still have no diagnosis. I still cant get pregnant. The one thing a woman should be able to do! I cant give my husband a child. My wonderful amazing husband who will be an even more wonderful amazing father. I cant feel a baby kick inside of my tummy. I cant waddle around and buy new clothes for the sake of being pregnant. I cant take weekly pictures of a growing bump. le sigh.
But, no blockage means no surgery - and thankfully more HSG's.
Infertility is a lonely road. a HARD, empty, discouraging road.