Truth be told, i was NOT looking forward to this procedure. By any means. It's been a week since i had it, and im still thinking about it.
I remember having a catheter inserted inside of me in the past for bio feedback therapy, and i can still feel that pain when i think about it. It hurt so bad. Kick my obgyn in the face type bad.
I regularly talk on an online forum with other ladies who are TTC and some of them had given me a heads up mentioning things from their HSG experiences: its so painful, not any pain at all, had sex right after, went shopping at ikea - apparently, it should only hurt if your tubes are blocked.
And i was hoping my tubes were blocked. Not to have a painful experience, but because i am trying to hold on to every bit of hope i can find these days. I was thinking, "the reason i havent been able to get pregnant - is because my tubes are blocked! the sperm has nowhere to go!" fix this and woolah, my problems are solved.
I drove to our fertility clinic Wednesday morning for my CD10 ultrasound - and that was when i had found out my follicles werent mature enough. I am losing count of all the times my ovaries had said "fuck you!" to me, really. So i sat in the parking lot before starting my car, bawling.
Cue frustration and failure feelings here.
Once i got myself together, i started bawling again because i had to return in a few hours to the same clinic, to see the same nurse that just told me my ovaries suck at life.
Some moments, i feel like the nurses all pity me, and other moments i think they just laugh at all of us women who walk through those doors on our quest to get pregnant. Most people just need to open their legs and have sexy time with their man. Wouldn't THAT be nice.
So i drive home, wishing to take a quick nap before returning. That didn't happen, and before i knew it - it was noon. Time to take my 800mg of tylenol and make sure my bladder was full. Then Isaiah was home to pick me up and head back to our clinic for my HSG.
I walk in to the clinic - and they tell me TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. Uh? Scuse? I was told i need a full bladder for this bad boy. Oh, thats right - you do. So just let out a little bit into this cup. A LITTLE BIT? I HAVE A FULL BLADDER. If you want me to put pee in there, pee is what you will get. So dont bitch if my bladder isnt full enough later on. And i do my best, while peeing on my hands and everywhere else. Then i get an ultrasound. REALLY? I JUST HAD ONE 3 HOURS AGO! Oh we need to make sure you arent pregnant, thats also why you peed in the cup. ARE YOU STUPID? CLEARLY, i'm not pregnant.
then the nurse leads isaiah and i to another part of the clinic where we get to wait for another doctor, and our doctor. oh, this is also when they told me that my husband wouldnt be able to come with because there wasnt enough room or robes. im thinking WHAT. room? robes? what on earth? and then i get stressed. i sit on the couch in the waiting room fighting back all tears. isaiah starts to rub my back just as a technician comes to get me. and back we go.
i get in to my two hospital gowns, put my things into a locker and follow him in to another room. in this room there is the nurse, the man that brought me back, and another man. meanwhile im told were waiting for my doctor and the radiologist. 5 people in the room? COOL. thats what they meant when my husband couldnt come in. my doctor arrives, and slips on a huge bullet proof like robe. oh so thats the other reason my husband couldnt come. Dr. C asks the nurse for a head lamp.. really? a head lamp to look at my vagina? this isnt a coal mine here. & im instructed to lay back on the table.
Dr. C starts to explain the procedure, all the while scrubbing up, putting on gloves, asking who the radiologist is this afternoon, and preparing all of his equipment.
The procedure began like any other time i've had something done, a pap smear, ultrasound or what have you. Dr. C had me scoot down... no, farther, butt to the edge, please. Yes, just a bit more. In spite of my freshly shaved legs and bikini area, and meticulous grooming (I'm not the only one who does this before an OB/GYN appointment, right?), its still the most vulnerable position you could imagine.
They had troubles getting the catheter in because my doctor asked the nurse for about 3 or 4 different size gauges and kept checking in on me. I'll forever be thankful for how kind and tentative he was. Laying there i was watching the two monitors next to me, hands pressed on my abdomen to try and relieve the cramping i was feeling. But when it was time for the x ray, i had to move my hands. Damnit. I felt all of the cramping. & they were horrible. ALL of my cramps are horrible. all the time.
On the screen i knew what i was looking for since Dr. C explained it all and was still talking me through every movement, and we had seen all the dye disperse into the screen.
He mentioned how well it went - the dye went in as it should, my tubes are open. No blockage. And he was off to tell my husband how great i had handled the procedure. Gee, thanks doc!
Dr. C was thrilled. & he must have seen the not-so thrilled look on my face because he went into father mode, started patting my back and telling me its good its good!
If my tubes aren't blocked, they aren't the problem. And we still have no diagnosis. I still cant get pregnant. The one thing a woman should be able to do! I cant give my husband a child. My wonderful amazing husband who will be an even more wonderful amazing father. I cant feel a baby kick inside of my tummy. I cant waddle around and buy new clothes for the sake of being pregnant. I cant take weekly pictures of a growing bump. le sigh.
But, no blockage means no surgery - and thankfully more HSG's.
Infertility is a lonely road. a HARD, empty, discouraging road.