Friday, November 9, 2012

Meltdowns.

So far, this cycle has shown us two BFNs. I first tested on 9 or 10dpo and again the day after. I wasnt going to test, but then i kept reading that since we went with injections this route, that the hcg chemical from the shots could give false positives and stay in your system. Since ive gotten negatives, i at least know its out of my system and if for some miracle made by God it turns positive, it wont be false.

Yesterday was a rough day. And sometimes Isaiah thinks that this is all rainbows and unicorns, but its surely not. Not for me or my body. And it shouldnt be for him either with all of these mood swings ive got going on. Isaiah is much better at staying positive and optimistic than i am, and he turns everything into prayer. Thats his answer for every frustration or sad day. But sometimes i just need a sad day and i dont need to be told to pray over it again. HI. I DO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY. EVERY MORNING. EVERY NIGHT. every chance of boredom and frustration. I also get quiet in my thoughts, often. Isaiah feels the need to discuss it but i rather not. Because i dont want to hear his stupid optimistic thoughts all the time. If im upset, just be upset with me damnit! That word called Empathy. If im quiet, just let me be quiet. I am putting four different hormones into my body. three times a day. 

Chaos.

Yesterdays melt down happened on the way to dinner with some friends, and it continued in to the restaurant while we were waiting for them until the very moment we saw them coming in. It wasnt one of those meltdowns because there was another person pregnant, another facebook announcement, another child. It was a meltdown simply for the sole fact that im not pregnant.

These cycles are draining. Isaiah asked if i feel like its my fault. I dont. I'm doing everything i can to get pregnant. Its just not fair. {I know, I know - life isnt fair.} 9% of women battle infertility, and i'm one of them.

We're now 4-6 days away from AF showing her face. & God, i pray she shows. Because the whole no baby AND no period thing, is for the fucking birds. False hope, i'm over it.

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