Monday, November 5, 2012

My Battle.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

trying to lose maintain my weight ; trying to get pregnant

These are my battles.

  • never being hungry, but trying to snack often in hopes of speeding up my metabolism. but making sure i eat enough, so my medicines dont make me sick and nauseous. 
  • making sure i jog with my dogs, even though lambeau hates it as much as i do. & now that its cold, trying to go on 20 minute walks through out the day. but freezing & dreading every moment. wondering why we dont live in a warmer place.
  • making sure i take my 6-8 pills a day.
  • making sure i shoot shit in my vagina 6 times a day.
  • doing more laundry, because im leaking in all of my panties.
  • leaving people at get togethers every 5 minutes and cutting conversations short, because i think im pissing my pants and MUST get to the bathroom. oh, nope. thats just my progesterone. FROM FIVE HOURS AGO. fuck.
  • injecting myself in the tummy
  • injecting myself in the ass
  • taking time out of the day to massage my own ass or lay with a heating pad - in hopes to prevent bruises and lumps. yup. shit turns purple AND gets lumpy.  hurts like hell too.
  • charting my temperature every morning. at the same time. as long as i didnt wake up to go potty or move around within the last 3 hours. because that fucks the whole shit up.
  • charting the position of my cervix
  • charting the consistency and feeling of my cervical mucus.
  • writing down when AF comes, when she leaves.
  • knowing the days we BD
  • driving to the fertility clinic 3-5 times a week for ultrasounds and blood work. sometimes twice in a day.
  • checking all of the labels at the grocery store - making our usual 1 hour trip to target turning in to a 2 hour trip to target.
  • going to target less and trader joes more often. because i have to should be eating Ezekial bread. and its god awful. i swear it takes me about an hour to eat one slice. barf.
  • 25g of sugar a day. (this became real when i was in the airport, thirsty & head to one of those small little stores.. i see a minute maid fruit punch, {juice right?}, check the labels and see 71 {or 74?} grams of sugar.) SERIOUS? got.damn.
  • wheat pasta, wheat bread, whole grain this, whole grain that, wheat flour. my mouth is wondering "wtf" {and i am too}
  • not being able to eat my favorite pasta dish at granite city, because the noodles are white
  • not being able to eat white rice with my orange chicken at leann chin, because that too is white.
  • asking restaurants if they have wheat substitutes as they look at me like uh, scuse?
  • ultra sound after ultra sound. dont eat before. dont pee before. being probed over and over. scoot your butt down, more please. so many fucking rules & instructions.
  • needing to schedule certain procedures on certain cycle days, but not being able to because your doctor is out of town. {oh yeah, thats right. hes helping a million couples get pregnant. not just us}
  • waking up countless times in the middle of the night, not to feed or snuggle my baby - but to wipe. because again, i feel like i just pissed the entire bed.
& the worst?
  • is the defeat ; the negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test. hearing "oh, it doesnt look like your follicles are mature enough" or "your body doesnt seem to be responding to the hormones properly" or "it looks like youre out this cycle. do you wish to repeat with the next?" - total. defeat.

I dont need an award because im trying every thing i can do to get pregnant, and i dont need pity. These are becoming my routine things. It's like having a job. If youre a nurse, you have things to do. Things that need to be done. If youre a teacher, the same. A mother? You get the point. But my, this is just not enjoyable. There is no fun. TTC is controlling my life. I feel like thats the troubling point, when really - its PCOS too. 

Meanwhile, i have an incredibly hard working supportive husband who keeps me grounded during this chaos.

I'm not ready to give up. there are 2 more options to be tried in hopes of me carrying my own child - and those will be done. If those fail, then will i move on to other mountains.

But i am choosing for it to be this way. This is my battle. because i so badly want to be a Mom


  1. OK I know this is an old post, but I was reading your story (which is very similar to mine!) and just had to comment! Next baby- there is a pill form of progesterone! And mine came to $28 after insurance!! It is hard to swallow but way better than the alternative! xo so glad you got your bfp:)