Saturday, April 6, 2013

its been 8 years since you went away.

& we miss you every day.

suicide survivor: 
1) A person who has survived a suicide attempt
(2) A person who survives a suicide completer; a suicide griever

i, am a suicide survivor.

there's always that one person in your life that gives you a special vibe, a person you know that came into your life for a reason.

CMK was that someone for me. in fact, he was that someone for a lot of people.

since day one in middle school, C and i were great friends and a close pair. he was my best friend. many afternoons were spent together, every secret told and every emotion shared. he could make me laugh at the drop of a dime. he became my first "boyfriend" and the first boy to give me a hickey. ::GASP!:: we were young. and we had everything set up for us.

when high school came, C and i drifted apart and headed into directions of our own lives, having more classes during the day, choosing different electives. our relationship ended (more than once) and eventually we both had serious new ones.
but we never lost complete touch with each other. we still shared our lives together snickering in the back of every classroom or with our other friends nearby the lockers at the end of the nurses hallway. every summer we'd recap and make more memories to the list. every year my yearbook had a story inside that he'd write, consuming more than just a page. 

& before we knew it, senior year was just leaf changes away.

senior year was hard to accept thinking of where we would end up after graduation, not just for C and i - but for all the seniors. all of our friends. we all spent the year anticipating our birthdays, when we would all finally be the big 18. C's was december 16th, and mine on april 1st. the days seemed like they'd never come, though they would. and they too would be another milestone memory.

we store away our memories like books in a library; we've catalogued them into sections for the times in our life so when we feel like dragging up the past, we know exactly where to look.

finally the day came. i turned 18. our senior class had our panoramic picture outside on the football field. my locker was decorated. i had a huge sign hanging above it, and i saw chris first thing the moment i turned into the nurses hallway, where my locker was. it was one of the best days of the year, easy.

before i knew it, one of the best memories was soon to be the hardest to accept and remember. the best was abruptly followed by the worst.

C was a breath of fresh air. for everyone. he was a class clown. he was so important to us, meaning the world. being an escape for some - with his charm and his wit. 

{until he escaped from us}

at our high school, everyone looked forward to wednesday mornings. every wednesday meant a late start and being able to sleep in. it put everyone in a better mood. April 6th was a wednesday.

my friend B got tickets to go see Kelly Clarkson that night as my birthday present. i couldnt wait to get through the day. i woke up, got dressed, made my daily stop at caribou coffee & headed off to school. i hung around my locker with chris and many other seniors before the bell rang. when it did, we all took off for class and the day went on like any other. normal, with laughter. it was April, prom and graduation were just around the corner, the weather was warming up. the last bell rang at 2:15pm and it was time for the parking lot to be flooded by students leaving. i got home and took a nap. i woke up and got ready for the concert, deciding to kill some time online before B picked me up.

the phone rang and i was ecstatic to answer it. i thought it was B saying she had arrived and we were on our way. but, i could not have been more wrong.

on the other end of the phone, it was my best friend M, who was just a sophomore. the only thing he had mentioned was "Sarah" and i knew something was wrong. i felt my heart drop so many levels; i didnt know i still had one in me. M said "hunnie, C just killed himself." 
i didnt want to believe it. i kept thinking "no way, matts just a sophomore. he couldnt possibly know before me?" i wanted to wake up from the nightmare so badly. i immediately couldnt breathe. couldnt do anything but cry. & thats what i did. i dropped down, and bawled. 
i forgot all about B being on her way to pick me up. i became numb. because for that moment, i lost everything.
B came to my house with her family and as she was getting out of the truck towards my front door, she saw my red puffy face and swollen eyes. putting her arms around me, she asked what had happened and i had to tell her. as i tried to pull my shaking lips apart to speak, i had to tell her our classmate friend was gone. B and i cried the entire way to the concert. and the entire way through it. we were the only 2 girls sitting, not standing. and crying, not singing.
that night a group of seniors hung out a friends house, for days really. no one wanted to move. i cant remember a night longer than that one. i was thinking about how our principal would come on the loud speaker the following morning to share the news, and i didnt want to hear that. i couldnt hear that, hearing it out loud another time so that the knife could twist a little deeper. i decided i wasn't going to school. and i didnt. many of us didnt. a school official actually had shown up at a friends house to tell everyone about going back. blah blah blah.

april 6th, 2005 was the worst night of my life. following by the funeral that was april 10th, 2005.

i had no idea how id get through the funeral. and i wasnt the only one feeling that way. the church piled in with students, friends, teachers and family. there wasnt enough room inside the sanctuary for everyone. it was beautiful. but my, it was hard. every male friend of ours wore sunglasses. through out the entire thing. we were hurting so bad. crying so hard. C, we missed you so much.

for the next two silence, dreary weeks at school, i had countless teachers coming up to me with all sorts of things. on my way to the library, mrs. young stopped me saying "i was sitting behind you and i just wanted to reach out to you. i never knew so many tears could come out of a body so little" and to this very day,  mr. larson sends me an email saying im in his thoughts, etc.

we ordered 200 green bracelets, similar to the livestrong ones with his name inside. and we wore them every day. you can get together with friends from our class now and still see the bands on our wrists. graduation day came, and after many petitions & trips to the principals office, we made it happen so that there would be an open chair and his name in the program. i cried for him.

"day by day, nothing seems to change. but pretty soon, everythings different"

8 years. and the tears still fall.

so close your eyes
and sleep to dream
im by your side
no words to speak
we'll set our course and make it through
no matter how far i go
no matter how much this hurts
i wanted you to know
[my heart remains with you]

rip cmk


  1. Oh hunny, I'm so sorry. It's amazing how that one day will stick with you forever. I had a friend taken away from us from a car accident and I can still remember that gut wrenching feeling I got when I found out. It's almost like getting punched in the stomach, all of your breath is taken away from you.

    C is lucky to have such a good friend like you, someone who, even after all of these years, still remembers him. <3

  2. that is so very sad, I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. The way you wrote that post was so sweet and touching, I can tell that he really meant a lot to you. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Sarah, I'm so sorry that you and your friends had to go through this. It's such a tragedy when someone so young feels the need to take their own life. I definitely do believe in God and Heaven and all that stuff, and I know that C now realizes how much he was loved and what a big impact his life andthis his death had on so many lives. Thank you for sharing this!

  4. Oh honey... i am so sorry...words are so inadequate
    Visiting from the UBP and taking a moment to link up

  5. I am so sorry to hear this. It makes me very sad...and it painfully reminds me that I have a day like this every year myself. It never gets easier. Its that one day I dread. The one day I work so hard to just "get through".

    Say a special prayer today. I know he is watching you and smiling.

    Hugs :)

  6. just saw your blog for the first time. this post breaks my heart. and the matchbook romance lyrics made me cry. i'm so sorry you had and still have to deal with such a tragic event. i know my words don't make it better, but i am truly sorry for your loss.

  7. So sad and so sorry about the death of your friend. I so wish for his sake, for yours, and for everyone who loved him that his story had ended differently. My heart aches for him and the pain he must have been suffering.