Thursday, October 31, 2013

happy halloween!

one year ago today:
isaiah and i were carving punkins, just the two of us.
we were 3 days post injections;
praying for a miracle & a sticky beeb.

i have an {almost} 13 week old beeb!
i am dressing up as a MOM. 
a MOM!
yoga pants. drool all over my arm. 
some breast milk on my tank top. and some pee on my pants.

its the best thing i've ever been.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

so what wednesday.


- i want ellen degeneres' entire wardrobe.
- crue and i watch youtube videos every day. he goes nuts for "what does the fox say" and anything hip hop or dub step from SYTYCD. who am i to deny that smile?!
- i had my first drink in over a year. crue is teething. and that means mama needs some moscato.
- i want a new blog design. stat. i just dont have the time to learn how to re-do it myself.
- i am SO sick of car shopping already. somebody just get this altima out of here!
- i am changing my mind every week about what kind of SUV i want. isaiah will be taking my nissan rogue and i get a new something with AWD. its a happy breastfeeding and pump present to me :)) but really. one minute i want a honda element, a kia sorento, a land rover, but then ooo look at that mercedes... and hmm you cant beat the safety of a volkswagon, can you? AY YI YI SARAH SAM. GET IT TOGETHER. test driving cars with a baby is a pain in my ass. install carseat base. drive around with awkward salesman praying your baby doesnt scream. uninstall carseat base. walk around the lot in the cold. install again. and repeat.
- i sleep in for as long as crue does. you think i would get my butt in gear before and have some "me time" - but nawww. sleep trumps all. i love waking up to him blabbing and cooing away next to me.
- i miss being pregnant something fierce. im ready for round 2. "hi. what can i get you today?" "id like one big round belly, please"
- i keep waking isaiah up in the middle of the night and say "is crue breathing!!!?" he will tell me yes without even checking and try going back to sleep but that never works. i poke and pry until he checks and we see crue move.
- i am itching for a vacation. i dont think ill last until our cruise. there is chicago in january.. but thats cold. doesnt count. call me spoiled but i need the ocean!
- i suck at clean eating. i have THEEEEE pickiest taste buds, ever. le sigh.
- we arent going to/didnt win the 4moms origami contest. we got 300+ votes in 24 hours and id say thats pretty damn good! but i wish i would have found out about the contest sooner than later!
- today is the day we made crue. i kind of want to walk into our fertility clinic and gift our doctors with a fruit basket or something... weird, no?


Monday, October 28, 2013

a year ago today.

isaiah and i were getting ready to attend my cousins house warming party, on a sunday during the packer game. but before we could get there - we needed to pick up something VERY important.

our injection medicines. 
and the first 3 pharmacies didnt have any in stock. 

imagine the ants in my pants then.
"i need to inject myself, TODAY! WITHIN HOURS!"
my ovaries and single follie were waiting for me!

finally, we found what we needed. attended the party. and headed home so we didnt miss our shot.

my little beeb started with a poke.

and my single follie - turned in to this:

if you don't believe in miracles,
perhaps you've forgotten you are one.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

pajama party!

we're linking up with Darci to show off our halloween pajamas!

this little skeleton is the reason my heart beats.

Friday, October 18, 2013

5 on Friday!


i am only writing this because i am super bored. crue is still asleep. at 12:53pm in the afternoon. yes thats right, i told you guys hes an awesome sleeper! he is totally my kid. blogging has taken a backseat to life right now. id be lying if that didnt make me sad - but i am obsessed with my kid. there have been nights where isaiah says "let me take crue so you can blog" or "i want to set some time aside tonight so you can work on your blog", it just doesnt happen. hes more willing to take crue than i am to give him up. #sorrynotsorry (thanks for the offer though hunnie, i love you!) 


we have family pictures tonight. and i still am completely clueless as what to wear. which proooobably wont result in anything awesome. but for the record, i ordered two dresses and neither of them fit. (damn you post partum body) - heres to hoping we still enjoy the pictures! 


this. it is a nursing mothers DREAM.


i really want to switch over to WP. although lets be real,  i hardly have time to write a blog much less learn a whole new domain. dot com, dot org? i havent got a clue. so i'll just keep dreamin on that one.


i have serious baby fever. some days i feel sick to think about how much crue has grown! i wish we had a california king size bed so i could co-sleep, isaiah is thrilled we dont have a cali king. i totally miss those newborn days and would rewind to our time back in the hospital in the blink of an eye. he is a dream. and growing up SO quickly. i love that handsome beeb of mine.

happy friday everybody!
have a good weekend :)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

more babies.

im not really sure how i feel about baby #2.
i mean, do i want more? absolutely. but its when that is the question. 
and when is almost impossible to decide with infertility.

{i originally wrote this in an email to a dear friend of mine, so disregard the errors. after she gave me a wonderful response, i thought heck. lets be real on the blog too. thats what its for, right? along with the fact that many of my blogger friends have more than one kid - and insight is always nice to hear! (im looking at you Molly & AP!)}

sometimes, i think ASAP would be great - because crue is still young enough where i could manage two young babies, give them both attention, be able to play with them, and not to mention - crue sleeps! so as a tired pregnant women that would rock. he doesnt require much to be entertained during this age.

because if i WAIT - and crue is like 1 or 2 (or however long it could take), i feel like i couldnt play with him while pregnant or holding a newborn. or i could, but there would be "restrictions" ya know? maybe i couldnt chase him around the house, climb up tunnels at the park etc. the idea of me saying "i cant hunnie, im feeding your baby bro/sis" or "wait a minute, your bro/sis needs me" - breaks my heart.

crue is a DREAM babe. such a good sleeper. nights are amazing. hes so easy. so happy. and baby #2 could be a terror. or maybe not. but some days i think i want to keep it just crue to enjoy these moments. soak up these rare times. focus on this beautiful baby boy that is right in front of me.

hes only 10 days old once. only 10 weeks old once.

i would be pregnant TOMORROW if i could. i loved being pregnant. {and to say that, is an understatement!}

isaiah said to me some night a few weeks ago, that it was my DREAM to be pregnant. and hes right, it was. i wanted it more than anything in the world. and he said that it was maybe so much my dream to be pregnant, that i really didnt dream or think much about being A MOM. and that hurt to hear. but you know what? he was right.
so as much as i want to be PREGNANT again, i dont think i want another baby just yet. or 9 months from now. because crue is my everything. i am loving this time we have together. i love watching all of his milestones pop up. this boy is growing right before my eyes and every day is new. i want to give him all of my focus. not be worried about another pregnancy, or something.

but this morning?

i took a pregnancy test.

it was negative.

and it fucking sucked.

for that moment - i saw ANOTHER negative in my life.
and every. single. emotion
of my past ttc trials SMACKED me in the face.

its just so crazy to me. that even after having a baby, the feelings you get when trying to concieve and struggling with infertility never go away.

and i almost feel kind of guilty? here i am, a mom. i have this sweet baby boy. and im upset about not being able to have more? as if the one i have isnt good enough? or i wasnt blessed enough to have the chance that i had? because that is not true. not true at all. 

its quite dumb.

crue is my GREATEST accomplishment.

Monday, October 7, 2013


i am well aware that this is blogger, not twitter. but i dont mind hashtags one bit.
besides, this video totally cracks me up.

who doesnt love them some JT?!

{and if im being real with you, i literally used their hashtag hand motion yesterday in a conversation with isaiah}
how embarrassing.

#hashtag #momlife

Friday, October 4, 2013

whats harder than breast feeding?

i dont know how many times i have heard "breast feeding is the hardest thing you'll ever do" or something along those lines. and i could have agreed with those ladies. until i found something that might be harder. {this is NOT me saying that breastfeeding isnt hard. because it definitely is. and sure was/is for me}


not once did anyone tell me anything else other than what it is to breastfeed. (ps. you ladies who say it is so easy and natural, it is not that way for all ladies. consider yourselves lucky!) there are SO many other "behind the scenes" type of stuff when it comes to breast feeding that you need to pay attention to and/or worry about! HOLY COW.
i have a dream babe that sleeps 6-7-8 hour stretches. a babe who sleeps from 11pm to 11am or longer with one hour wake up somewhere in between there. i know what youre thinkin... "thats awesome! you must feel so rested!" well yes. it isss awesome. but guess what? mama still wakes up every 3 hours. TO PUMP. so while my husband, baby and dogs are soundly asleep - i am hanging over the end of our bed twiddling on my phone as i pump. pumping is no quick task. its no fun task. at least when you are nursing your little one, you have something to look at and interact with. something to make your hormones all squishy! pumping in the middle of the night, i sometimes need to pump for 10 minutes regardless of how full my boobs are - just to get my letdown started. and i can spend up to 45 minutes or even an HOUR pumping to empty my boobs. because if you dont pump long enough and if you dont empty you get mastitis. 


apparently mastitis is what happens if you nurse too much, dont nurse enough, forget a side, your baby isnt hungry anymore and you didnt empty your boobs, you slept on your tummy and got clogged ducts, you were out too long and forgot to bring your manual... it seems like almost anyyyything can bring on this horrible thing. and ill be DAMNED if i let myself get mastitis. i have heard bad bad bad things about that. i have even heard it can be more painful than the recovery of a c-section. PASS.


"boil your parts for 20 minutes" "wash after each use"
essentially you spend all day nursing+pumping+cleaning. and if you have a babe that doesnt nap well during the day? it gets rough. it gets long. who wants to put their baby down and let them cry so you can boil parts or attach a serious suction to your nipples? no thanks. i rather skip a pump and just play with my baby. {but then you go back to wondering about the dreaded M word mentioned above}
nurse+pump+clean nurse+pump+clean nurse+pump+clean - 
and repeat.
yes, you can get extra parts for your pump. i do. i have 2-3 sets. (2 in some because the 3rd wasnt working and i sent them in for a replacement). still. thats not enough. i need like 8 extra sets.
and 8 arms.


nursing happens every 3 hours or so - then i try to get at least 20 minutes of pumping somewhere in there afterwards. however, if i just nursed? it takes longer for another letdown. sometimes 20 minutes wont even give me an ounce total. which makes me SO angry. my boobs can be hard like watermelons sometimes, and i wont even get out 2oz total. other times? i can get 6oz total. it is (for me) SO SO inconsistent. isaiah has always given crue a bottle in the mornings, and sometimes crue will take 4-5oz. WHAT! theres no way my boobs give him 4-5oz?!?! i have spent lots of time worrying about what i was producing, if my supply was enough, if crue was getting enough. its a whirlwind. i know i know, the baby is much more efficient than the pump. still. i will never understand it. but do not stress mama's - that only hurts your supply. if you are worried, check with a lactation consultant!

anyways. my point is that pumping sucks. and no one ever told me how big your boobs get, how they become 10lbs heavier and feel like a legit rock patch. no one bothered to tell me that you need 100000 pairs of nursing pads and leak all day long. no ever told me much time goes into pumping. i give you working mamas some big bonuses. and extra hugs... but not when your boobs are rock patches. ouch.

as i write this, its 11:10am. my husband is at the gym. my baby is still sleeping. and me?
you guessed it.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

crue: TW0 M0NTHS!

2 weeks

2 months

weight: 10lbs 13.5oz as of 10/11
height: 24in as of 10/11
head: 15in as of 10/11 - a big noggin!

sleep: were at rockstar status with this one. bedtime is 1030-11pm and he will sleep until isaiah wakes him somewhere in the 4-5am range. they spend an hour together and crue goes back down until he wakes up on his own (unless we have plans) and thats usually between 10am-noon! this weekend the boy slept until 1! finally at 1:04 we were like "OK buddy, wake up!" he is totally my boy. in other words, when he begins teething or has his first sleep regression, we will be in for a wild surprise.

eating: often. growth spurts galore! we did have a while where baby boy wasnt gaining enough weight, and were told to supplement with formula for a week. we didnt necessarily want to do that. i cried like a baby for 3 days straight and i began pumping like CRAZY to always have extra breast milk to feed back to him. he gained 1lb 1oz in 8 days so what were doing is working, despite it being a lot of work for me. i was super upset to not be able to nurse as often or as long since he usually needs a bottle afterwards for a little extra dessert, but. i am still giving him my nutrition. thank the lord i am finally figuring that out! he is thriving, growing and a MUCH happier boy to get a bottle if nursing alone doesnt fill his belly. if we give a bottle while were out & about, he will chow down 4-6oz. hungry babe!

mood: we are totally getting the hang of this and knowing each other. it helps that we get a good nights rest, because crue will not nap during the day. someeeetimes he will fall asleep in the car if we run errands, but wakes up within 1-5 minutes of being put down once we arrive to where ever it is we're going. thankfully though - we are happy and we have lots of fun. this boy is my new best friend.

loves: smiling! stretching out and putting his arms way above his head, taking baths and showers, being on his changing pad, listening to music and looking at his new (blue) sea horse!

wearing: we are mixing in some of our last NB diapers with our size 1's. finishing up our stack of pampers swaddlers and entering in our huge stack of honest diapers. we have about 3 cloth diapers and use them at random times, which isnt often. he is getting pretty long for some of his NB onesie's but absolutely drowns in 99% of his 0-3 month clothing. i never thought my 2 month old would still be in newborn! we've had to go out and buy MORE on multiple occasions, because we just didnt buy a lot of newborn clothing to begin with. im assuming he's high on the 9lb range or on the low 10lb range now - so when isaiah and i took a NB onesie off him the other night that said "7lbs and under", we had to chuckle a bit.

milestones: we've passed another growth spurt and wonder week. we left him for the first time with grandma and grandpa while we saw Wicked for our first date night since becoming parents, crue went to his first football game at daddy's high school for homecoming and was a champ the whole time! we ventured out to the apple orchard for his first hay ride and will be having MANY more fall firsts to come! tummy time is a bust because he rather roll over. he holds his own bottle for long minutes at a time. he's social smiling all the time and has found his hands. little beeb is constantly trying to put a fist (or two) in his mouth!

mama: i have not lost a pound since week 4. talk about plateau much?! im still 9 pounds away from pre pregnancy weight, with about 20 more to lose after that. either way, the countdown to our cruise is ON and i have GOT to get my booty goin! every tuesday from 130-3, crue and i head to our hospital for a new parent connection class, and it is okay. the first time i was the only mom who showed up... talk about AWKWARD. two weeks ago there were 4 moms, and yesterday only 2. its not really a good time - but we both enjoy getting out of the house. we've shared our birth stories etc and sing songs, which crue seems to love "wheels on the bus" - so for now, we will keep going. (although all the moms i have met are going back to work soon, and i refuse to be the only mom attending!)

i cant believe youre mine


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

fall favorites.

fall is DEFINITELY here in MN. are we surprised?! probably not. good thing fall pretty much rocks.

it seems that fall is always welcomed here in MN (or really, anywhere in the world) and i think its because we'll take as much fall as we can get before the snow arrives. as much as i enjoy summer, i wouldnt mind having legit fall weather for 3 months. its a bummer that snow is whats headed our way next... so for now, i am soaking up all things fall related!

over the weekend we hit up Pine Tree apple orchard because its not as far from our house as some others. it was, meh. crue did well! he was awake for 90% of the fun just looking around and squinting from the sun. we did enjoy a hay ride (minus the hay) but the driver didnt stop to let us get off and pick apples! what the heck is that all about! ive never been to an apple orchard before where we couldnt pick our own apples! AND. they had no punkins yet! oh my waaaaaah. not cool.

the good news is we had a good time and the weather was beautiful :) {plus now, we just have to go visit a better another orchard next weekend!}

nevermind that i still look pregnant or pregnant again.
tho i wouldnt mind the latter ;) HA.