Wednesday, October 16, 2013

more babies.






im not really sure how i feel about baby #2.
i mean, do i want more? absolutely. but its when that is the question. 
and when is almost impossible to decide with infertility.

{i originally wrote this in an email to a dear friend of mine, so disregard the errors. after she gave me a wonderful response, i thought heck. lets be real on the blog too. thats what its for, right? along with the fact that many of my blogger friends have more than one kid - and insight is always nice to hear! (im looking at you Molly & AP!)}

sometimes, i think ASAP would be great - because crue is still young enough where i could manage two young babies, give them both attention, be able to play with them, and not to mention - crue sleeps! so as a tired pregnant women that would rock. he doesnt require much to be entertained during this age.

because if i WAIT - and crue is like 1 or 2 (or however long it could take), i feel like i couldnt play with him while pregnant or holding a newborn. or i could, but there would be "restrictions" ya know? maybe i couldnt chase him around the house, climb up tunnels at the park etc. the idea of me saying "i cant hunnie, im feeding your baby bro/sis" or "wait a minute, your bro/sis needs me" - breaks my heart.

crue is a DREAM babe. such a good sleeper. nights are amazing. hes so easy. so happy. and baby #2 could be a terror. or maybe not. but some days i think i want to keep it just crue to enjoy these moments. soak up these rare times. focus on this beautiful baby boy that is right in front of me.

hes only 10 days old once. only 10 weeks old once.

i would be pregnant TOMORROW if i could. i loved being pregnant. {and to say that, is an understatement!}

isaiah said to me some night a few weeks ago, that it was my DREAM to be pregnant. and hes right, it was. i wanted it more than anything in the world. and he said that it was maybe so much my dream to be pregnant, that i really didnt dream or think much about being A MOM. and that hurt to hear. but you know what? he was right.
so as much as i want to be PREGNANT again, i dont think i want another baby just yet. or 9 months from now. because crue is my everything. i am loving this time we have together. i love watching all of his milestones pop up. this boy is growing right before my eyes and every day is new. i want to give him all of my focus. not be worried about another pregnancy, or something.



but this morning?

i took a pregnancy test.

it was negative.

and it fucking sucked.

for that moment - i saw ANOTHER negative in my life.
and every. single. emotion
of my past ttc trials SMACKED me in the face.



its just so crazy to me. that even after having a baby, the feelings you get when trying to concieve and struggling with infertility never go away.

and i almost feel kind of guilty? here i am, a mom. i have this sweet baby boy. and im upset about not being able to have more? as if the one i have isnt good enough? or i wasnt blessed enough to have the chance that i had? because that is not true. not true at all. 

its quite dumb.



crue is my GREATEST accomplishment.

10 comments:

  1. Hi mama, God has wonderful plans for you and if a second baby is in those plans, He will redeem. The timing will be perfect

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't have anything to add that I haven't already said. Just know that I love you and that you're an amazing mom to Crue and will be an amazing mom to any other babies that are lucky enough to be yours <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Those are the never ending questions I face right now. If? When? Do I want more? I loved having solo time with Cooper. It was awesome. Callan got a little more attention than Cooper for the first few months and I felt really bad for saying "wait" to Cooper. But it really helped him become much more independent, which was great. Seeing them playing with each other now makes me so happy. They're 3.5 years apart and still love time together. So, no hurry. Soak up right now and let whatever is supposed to happen, happen. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is totally ok! I do hope and pray you get another bundle of joy when you and your family are ready! Even though I am sleep deprived and feel like a crazy lady, I still think about #2 (or #3 or #4)...I always thought I wanted babies close together, but now I want to give rilynn all my attention too...so I don't know when we would want to add to our family....I know God will have perfect timing and I'm sure He will for you too xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. I always thought I would have 4 babies and then I had one and I was perfectly content with just having one. I miss the snuggly baby stage, but I'm absolutely NOT ready for another baby anytime soon. I know that God has big plans in store for your family. XO

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so with you. I LOVE LOVE LOVED being pregnant. I would be pregnant all the time. But, like you, I really only focused on getting pregnant. Now that I'm actually a mom, all of my focus is on loving my sweet boy. I can't imagine more room in my heart for another.
    God had a plan for you once. He does still. Be it 10 more babies, or just your prefect little Crue. You'll get all the babies you were meant to have.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Aw, Sarah. This tugs at my heart strings. I think someday, sooner than later, God will bless you with another amazing and beautiful baby. Lurb yew!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I need to get you in touch with my BFF. She struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss for five years before she had successful pregnancy, and delivered a healthy baby. She has gone through so many of the thoughts and emotions you just described.
    There are so many big things planned for you, Crue, and your whole family. It's easier said than done, but try not to dwell on the negative. You have SO MUCH positive right in front of you.
    You were able to get pregnant, so the possibility is there! Stay strong momma. There's a little boy that needs all your love and attention today.

    Love you!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love your honesty!! My heart hurts for the fact that you worry about getting pregnant, but I know that it'll all work out for you! Until then, just enjoy your adorable little Crue!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love the way you write, love bug. So real. And when the time is right, you will know. And your ovaries better be workin'.... because we need more Cru's!

    ReplyDelete