Monday, August 25, 2014

dear me.



its late on a sunday night.
so late that i suppose its technically very early on a monday morning.

both of my boys are sleeping, right next to me in the very same bed actually and i am up writing about infertility.

that word use to really define me.

it kind of hit me tonight that we are just two weeks short of when i had my 6 week post partum appointment a year ago. you know, the appointment where they tell you that things are should be working properly again and you're free to, ahem, spin on the weenie, or ah, baby dance if you will.

which brings me to my point. tonight i realized that were almost at the one year mark since we've been trying to have another baby.

could that be why it hurts so bad when others jokingly say "HA. HA! i bet you don't want another one of those any time soon!" because yes you fool, we actually would love to have another one. tomorrow. 3 months ago. 9 months ago. we long to have another one.

the year(s) we tried to have a first, of trying to have crue - they were long. 
so long.
exhausting.
depressing.
i was a hot mess who always felt really sad, really alone and super guilty.

and now?
this past year of trying, surely its had its moments where I've felt really bummed out and have even allowed those feelings of guilt, sadness and shame to come back creeping on my door, but wow.

having Crue has just totally changed my life and the aspect of how i look at things.

i am so, so, SO blessed and thankful to have this baby boy that calls me mom. i have dreamt of him longer than i can remember.

i am obsessed with this life.

i must remember that when i am feeling down and all boohoo, 'why can't i have a baby in my tummy again?'

because Crue totally rocks my world. 
i love him with my whole being.

i AM a MOMMY! 

7 comments:

  1. you ARE a mommy - and such an amazing one!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Crue is so lucky to have you as a mommy! Sending prayers your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh mama. I want to give you big hugs. c is so lucky to have you

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are a mommy, and you are blessed. And I know that wanting more takes nothing away from your wanting another…that's natural and normal. Thinking of you and hoping for the best!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hope you get your second little soon (and more to follow)! Crue and your future babies are certainly blessed with a loving mummy!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hugs to you - it's not an easy battle, I know friends in the same boat. But you are right, you ARE a mommy and Crue is so lucky to have you!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Such a great post and a great reminder. Hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete