i am jealous.
i am jealous of those who say "oh we just decided last month that we wanted to have a baby, and got pregnant right away!"
or you, the one who gets to have mind blowing sex with her husband on a spontaneous whim which leads to a (although awesome), shocking surprise of two lines on a test a few weeks later followed by some panic because "you weren't even trying".
i am jealous of those who get "oopsie" babies (though i don't really believe any baby is an oopsie baby, because we all know what can happen when you decide to bang) on multiple occasions. more so what i call, surprise babies.
i mean sure - even crue was a "surprise" if you will, because no one had any guarantee or knowledge of our treatment working and giving us our own first set of two lines on a test.
so here we go again.
i just had a three month long period. i bled from may to august and had to change my girly supplies about every 30 minutes on the clock or i would have blood on the seat of my car, the back of my dress, the middle of my thighs, or even on the mall's ceramic flooring. i saw doctor after doctor and thought it would never end.
FINALLY! there was some saving grace and my period had ended out of the blue. we obviously saw that as an immediate opportunity to get in with a new fertility clinic and find out what we were dealing with round 2.
my uterine lining was thicker than a brick wall. ARE YOO FOR REALZ? after all that bleeding? shenanigans i say.
too thick. can't do any meds. go home. wait for a period. call us by sept 8th if it doesn't arrive to see if you are pregnant, or on day 3 for another ultrasound.
but what if that period never ends either?
then we'll schedule a D&C.
go home, get a call with my blood work and my progesterone was "very high" so i ovulated on my own at some point. of course being the psycho OCD lady that i am, i have been charting and peeing on all the sticks. but with my damned PCOS, i was getting positives for about 10 days in a row. obviously my ovulation didn't last for 10 days.
my blood work comes in through my medical online portal and i see that my progesterone was 168. ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY EIGHT! that is high.
i sure was praying that it meant a baby. i ovulated, charted really well and made sure to baby dance like a champ.
fast forward a few hours after that test result and here we are. AF arrived. i know, you're so shocked.
trying to think positive that AF arrived before the 8th giving us the chance to proceed sooner than later, i called the office and got scheduled. cycle day 3 showed that my lining had thinned out and my ovaries were "calm", so i left the doctors office with a prescription in hand for a list of new meds to begin in the evening.
i. was. ecstatic.
i could get pregnant in september! this month! just about a month before i got pregnant with C. i won't have to worry about missing his birthday due to being in labor etc etc blah blah. i was hopeful. these were all opposite feelings than i had prior to being blessed with crue. maybe because this isn't my first time at the rodeo? maybe because it worked on the first round of treatment before, giving us our miracle baby? maybe because if it didn't work, i would be distracted with said miracle baby and still feel happy by the sweet boy that i have now.
that ecstatic feeling didn't last so long and before i knew it my heart was filled with all of the lonely shameful feelings i had once felt before.
just short of walking through the door, i get a call from the nurse to remind me that next friday (the third friday in the row spent at the doctors office) we will need to pay $916.
almost a thousand dollars in a week? out of pocket? up front? you mean like, NOW?
im not sure thats do-able.
so here i am. feeling jealous. being ugly.
i wish i could tell myself,
"jealousy is a disease,
get well bitch".
but i can't.
because it won't fix anything. i already tried.
and so does being poor.