Tuesday, July 5, 2016

the reoccurrence.





defeated.


is there anything else to feel after yet another negative pregnancy test?
i suppose some people may feel relief, 
but not i. not we. not us in this house.

you would think after seeing at least 100 of these bad boys, the heart ache would subside. the shock wouldn't be so, shocking.

you would think after we spent/spend years battling this infertility war, that the feelings would just be known.

but every time, its raw.
its painful.
it stings.

and i am just mind blown at how it didn't work. again. 
why not this time?

at each 6 week post partum check up with my babies - my OB would ask about birth control, and each time we would laugh while we said "I'm infertile, remember! we'll continue to skip birth control" in which my OB would laugh back as he said "well you never know, you've primed the pump now!" with a story here and there of another couple having a baby on their own. "good" id say, "we'll hope for something good then!"

and after each baby, i would return to my OB a year later with my heart weighed down, my womb empty and my head high.

just hoping for something good to happen.



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